The Antigasm.

Good Morning.


"If you fuck me Mister, you must really love me."




At times I question having a blogging account but then again everyone has to blow off a little steam sometimes, no? This morning's subject being my somewhat fruitless sex life. Joygasm? I think not. I am the first to admit that yes, I have a problem. I'm an addict. Generally most men I have encountered are somewhat thankful at the preliminary stages of any relationship casual or not. However after a certain period of time I find myself curled up to my significant other with my fingers reaching for the untouchables only to be swatted away.

The sexual male stereotype is that of the sex depraved panting animal and the female lying there feeling like a piece of meat, sick and tired of the unwanted sexual attention. I am an incredibly erotic human being, I'm turned on by the slighest well-placed touch, my body in it's entirety is an erogenous zone, this is probably to do with the fact that I've been sexually active from a very young age, there hasn't been a period over the last 7 years where I've went any longer than a month without sex and I'm not satisfied at only one bout, I could genuinely spend all day in bed.

Now, this problem has affected almost all my relationships, my longest relationship I was lucky if I was getting it once every couple of weeks, I found myself furiously masturbating, yeah not very ladylike. So, I decided to play away from home somewhat frequently. The gentleman I was with at the time had a reputation for being a bit of a sex fiend himself but even he proved not to be up to scratch, the passionate forbidden sex filled me in ways you couldn't imagine! (Quite literally - haha!)

So my current partner. Fantastic guy, I feel so connected to him, it's only been a couple months but yeah I do, I won't lie. He hadn't had a sexual relationship for 7 months, which seemed ludicrous to me. He confessed to me that he had no sex drive, which as I'm sure you can understand didn't fill me with joy. But him and I do have a sexual relationship, however he also gets sick of me pestering him for a quickie or a fumble at any hour of the day. I've certainly noticed over the last month his "drive" dwindling and I find myself struggling to keep my mind from wandering. The Affair. In my previous experience yes forbidden sex is somewhat empowering and sexy, but I also became obsessive about one of my 'partners' When you're in the throes of infatuation, you're physically not capable of rational decision-making, which proves somewhat unhelpful when you're otherwise in engaged in a relationship.

So, do I return to my sordid past? Do I hold my head high and stick to my man? These are two very potent choices for me & I guess I'll never truly comprehend the depth of my addiction until I pull away from it's ties.



x.

Monday's Got the Blues

Good Evening.


After having a fairly in-depth conversation with my Irish best friend, it got the cogs in my head turning amongst other things.


Love. The unquenchable desire to be wanted. The need to be longed for, the need to feel someone feels for you, a unity of needing. A complete disaster waiting to happen. The problem with "love" is that it leaves you wide open, completely exposed and vulnerable. Knowing that someone...dare I say it, owns a part of you. You all of a sudden become theirs and you are smothered by different feelings all at once.

A human, is very much like an onion. We're made up of many different layers. These layers are scars of hurt, moments of joy, life-changing epiphanies, sympathy. All these emotions and different aspects in our lives sculpt these layers. We are very intricate creatures and have come a long, long way from our primitive roots - feed, reproduce and try not to get eaten. Now we're complex and emotionally needy and seemingly starved of attention. Love brings with it nothing but trouble and torment.

Leaving yourself as a completely open book, leaves your securities vulnerable. You can stand back and watch yourself metamorphosis into a crumbling wreck. And for those of us who directly don't share their feelings with the rest of the class, it becomes all the more difficult. Paranoia sets it, your self-esteem plummets at the slightest problem that you encounter. You start comparing yourself to your spouse's prior conquests and that all too frequented "Yeah (s)he's just my friend" statement eats away at you.

For those of you that say 'Love is a wonderful thing' I ask, are you truly happy? Why complicate a perfectly good thing by binding and twisting it into a monster...just by saying those 3 little words.


Think about that! lol.